S skipped guitar but finished her essay and was able to get in all her studying. no lost tempers, so i will count it as a successful evening with her. I had fun with F and i got a lot of rows done on my knitting. i made enchiladas and everyone ate dinner without a single tear or complaint. not sure if i was behaving better or the kids.
i am still really struggling with how i feel towards S. i miss him and love him with a passion that is difficult for me to contain accept for when i hate him. my hatred at the moment is running deep. i know part of it is from the amount of work he is dealing with. i know we are distant because we just don't have time to stay connected. i would like to blame it on this, but really it is because i am cycling through emotions from earlier this year. in the end i know i don't want to be with anyone else. i love this human in a way that is almost sick. i want to work through this all so i just want to leave the past in the past. i keep thinking if i bury it down far enough and resist any temptation to talk about it then it will all go away. uhg...
Thursday, December 17, 2009
December 17, 2009
I have one hour left to kill in a way I seem very good at doing. I will not accomplish much more than drinking a cup of coffee and coming up with excuses not to work. My first four months trying on the working/stay at home mom thang worked out really, really well. I made good money, got so much done, was happy and the future seemed doable. This past month has been very slow. The the money is there for the taking with one client, another client is trying to cut back on expenses, but in the end it is really all my own laziness. The past 10 days have been from a case of short term insanity. The other 20 days can only be explained by laziness.
I haven't been running, which is most likely a huge problem. Running was the most difficult part of my day, so when I ran in the morning I always felt like I could take on anything else the day had in store for me.
I am really processing things with S again. I had a few days of total hatred. That type of hatred that only develops towards someone you love. Fucking helps for the moment. I get a moment of clarity, but I was having a hard time breaking down my barriers. We went through such a hard time earlier in the year. When I close the door on something I lock it. I closed the door on all that shit a little too early. I want to tear it open and go over it all again, but it would go against one of my hard held rules.
I have been having a hard time with M also. She is one of the most amazing humans I have ever come across and the anger I have thrown her way is complicated to tease out. I want to bring out the best in her and when i see my own weaknesses in her i try to stomp it out. this is a huge problem on my part and i must address it.
after picking I up, we will head to whole foods for some soup and then to friends for crafting and play. he and F will run around and i will hopefully get 10 more rows done on that damn double knit scarf.
I haven't been running, which is most likely a huge problem. Running was the most difficult part of my day, so when I ran in the morning I always felt like I could take on anything else the day had in store for me.
I am really processing things with S again. I had a few days of total hatred. That type of hatred that only develops towards someone you love. Fucking helps for the moment. I get a moment of clarity, but I was having a hard time breaking down my barriers. We went through such a hard time earlier in the year. When I close the door on something I lock it. I closed the door on all that shit a little too early. I want to tear it open and go over it all again, but it would go against one of my hard held rules.
I have been having a hard time with M also. She is one of the most amazing humans I have ever come across and the anger I have thrown her way is complicated to tease out. I want to bring out the best in her and when i see my own weaknesses in her i try to stomp it out. this is a huge problem on my part and i must address it.
after picking I up, we will head to whole foods for some soup and then to friends for crafting and play. he and F will run around and i will hopefully get 10 more rows done on that damn double knit scarf.
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