I have one hour left to kill in a way I seem very good at doing. I will not accomplish much more than drinking a cup of coffee and coming up with excuses not to work. My first four months trying on the working/stay at home mom thang worked out really, really well. I made good money, got so much done, was happy and the future seemed doable. This past month has been very slow. The the money is there for the taking with one client, another client is trying to cut back on expenses, but in the end it is really all my own laziness. The past 10 days have been from a case of short term insanity. The other 20 days can only be explained by laziness.
I haven't been running, which is most likely a huge problem. Running was the most difficult part of my day, so when I ran in the morning I always felt like I could take on anything else the day had in store for me.
I am really processing things with S again. I had a few days of total hatred. That type of hatred that only develops towards someone you love. Fucking helps for the moment. I get a moment of clarity, but I was having a hard time breaking down my barriers. We went through such a hard time earlier in the year. When I close the door on something I lock it. I closed the door on all that shit a little too early. I want to tear it open and go over it all again, but it would go against one of my hard held rules.
I have been having a hard time with M also. She is one of the most amazing humans I have ever come across and the anger I have thrown her way is complicated to tease out. I want to bring out the best in her and when i see my own weaknesses in her i try to stomp it out. this is a huge problem on my part and i must address it.
after picking I up, we will head to whole foods for some soup and then to friends for crafting and play. he and F will run around and i will hopefully get 10 more rows done on that damn double knit scarf.
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