Thursday Evening

S skipped guitar but finished her essay and was able to get in all her studying. no lost tempers, so i will count it as a successful evening with her. I had fun with F and i got a lot of rows done on my knitting. i made enchiladas and everyone ate dinner without a single tear or complaint. not sure if i was behaving better or the kids.

i am still really struggling with how i feel towards S. i miss him and love him with a passion that is difficult for me to contain accept for when i hate him. my hatred at the moment is running deep. i know part of it is from the amount of work he is dealing with. i know we are distant because we just don't have time to stay connected. i would like to blame it on this, but really it is because i am cycling through emotions from earlier this year. in the end i know i don't want to be with anyone else. i love this human in a way that is almost sick. i want to work through this all so i just want to leave the past in the past. i keep thinking if i bury it down far enough and resist any temptation to talk about it then it will all go away. uhg...